I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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