apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
