Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
