everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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