she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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