I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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