And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
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The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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