life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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