Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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