I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
