I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
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Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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