where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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