so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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