everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Randomize
