I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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