Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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