i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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