i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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