I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
