I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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