dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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