we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
