well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
