i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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