I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
