On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
