So drunk its hurt
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
