Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
