I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
