I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
