have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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