My room smells like vodka and shame
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
