Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
