i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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