May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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