Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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