dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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