i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
