the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
