Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I need a burrito and a hug.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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