i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My breasts were aching with rage.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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