I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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