i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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