Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
