dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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