dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
