508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
