Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
