So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
