I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
