Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
