Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize