do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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