need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
