I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
