Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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