you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I think I just sharted jello shots
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
