I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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