Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
