I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
