Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
