I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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