You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
