I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
