could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
